2024

I just came back from an 8-hour Zen meditation. Beyond the singing and sitting in silence, we had the chance to do a personal koan-interview with the Master. The interview consisted of 2 parts, in the first one, I could ask anything (to work on my karma). In the second part, the Master introduced me to the essence of the Zen teachings, asking me questions to make me experience reality before forming thoughts and opinions about it. He asked me to tell him what is a book, a clock, a stick, a bell.

The first part was the most interesting, where I could ask about what bothered me right now and get in-person advice for the first time in my life from a spiritual teacher. Although his communication style could be interpreted as serious, the Master was a very aware person, with eyes like Jesus, showing compassion but also a lot of presence. It was a bit frightening, so I forgot my questions from time to time.

My inquiry focused into the nature of things and how to live life. I identified multiple methods to perceive the world. One option was always approaching it with clarity and discipline, being extremely present in the moment. At other times I identified my perception as a very compassionate, emotional dream-like euphoria, which I enjoyed a lot more and I stated that I wanted to be able at the end of the day to enjoy this state and not achieve too high spiritual goals that I would become impresonal, a witness permanently.

The Master replied, saying that the two ways that I identified go hand in hand and that greater emotional states require greater consciousness. Being present and posessing clarity gives frame to our being in order to be able to enjoy greater experiences. People who seem to waive their life and move into heavy spirituality are doing it to gain even deeper and more fulfilling experiences.

The Master also said that being aware and in control are essential parts of living a good life and it cannot be neglected. He also somehow sensed that I might have been a talented person in the past and that I’ve grown soft. He said there is no value in talent, especially wasted talent. This was a cue for me to get my life together because I could finally understand that everything is everything.

He also mentioned that we need to choose the right path, that seems right and in its place for us. We shouldn’t base our decisions on emotions or logic. We should do what’s rights. Considering this, as well as all other previous advice, I recognize that I need to change myself.

Everything we see in front of us is the truth, and no amount of mind games will change that. If we are neglecting our body, studies, work, emotions, it can all be seen on our bodies. So right now, I’m deciding to retreat from living abroad after I finish my bachelor’s and focus on myself until the fall when I could begin a Master’s.

This is not the most logical option, nor the one that is emotionally sound, but it does seem and feel like the right choice to make.

Therefore I swear to return to my home country and hometown after earning my bachelor’s degree in January 2024, in order to focus on myself and to re-engineer myself into someone I would be proud of in front of a mirror.

Amen.